I recently participated in an incredible 14-day mindset/body-love/active acceptance challenge called the Bikini Rebellion. This was conceived and led by the amazing Neghar Fonooni, she of "Eat, Lift and Be Happy". During this challenge, Neghar would email with a topic each day, on which we Bikini Rebels could reflect, and - if we wanted - journal and post about it on Instagram with the hashtag #bikinirebellion.
These 14 days were life-changing for me. I gained so much perspective, and I found an incredible community of supportive and amazing badass women. I also loved the journaling aspect, and wrote some things that I want to post here as well. One of those posts was around the theme "My body has a story, and that story is mine alone to tell." For that day's post, I wrote the chapter of my body's story that picks up right after my skin removal surgery and goes through to where I am now. I think that's the perfect way to pick up this blog again. So here it is. :)
#bikinirebellion Day 4. First I want to say how incredibly moved, affected, inspired, empowered, overwhelmed-with-gratitude I am for this movement. @negharfonooni – you are a life-changer. THANK YOU.
So, today’s InstaChallenge: “Tell us your body’s story! Your story is yours alone to tell.”
I have to laugh, because I was so on-fire with inspiration from all you awesome #bikinirebels that I posted twice to yesterday’s challenge, and the second post was a photo documenting the first two photos posted here today. However, the “after” photos in yesterday’s post (the middle ones above) were taken just over a year ago, shortly before I had surgery to remove the excess skin around my midsection that came with losing half of my body weight. I haven’t updated my “Then/Now” photo since that surgery. That’s the part of my body’s story that I want to tell for today’s challenge.
A year ago, at the time that middle photo above was taken, I had lost so much weight. So much body fat. I’d been in a caloric deficit for 3 years. Never starving myself – just always in deficit. And consistently training – be it with weights, or for races up to and including a half-marathon – for the entirety of that time in deficit. So I was in pretty much my leanest physical shape ever. And that left an amount of skin around my midsection that was very uncomfortable, and limiting. There was so much skin hanging off the front of my body that for every single workout I did, I had to wear Spanx that covered from just below my bra to my midthigh. I needed that much compression in order to be able to workout. Every time. I wish there’d been a way for me to get rid of that skin through nutrition and exercise, because that’s how I’d lost the weight. But there wasn’t. So I had the skin removal surgery.
I shot a video of all the extra skin the night before my surgery, and went into detail on my thoughts on my body’s changes, and my decision to have surgery. I also talked about how I loved my body right at that moment – extra skin and stretch marks and all. Here's the link to that video, if anyone would like to see it.
So, today’s InstaChallenge: “Tell us your body’s story! Your story is yours alone to tell.”
I have to laugh, because I was so on-fire with inspiration from all you awesome #bikinirebels that I posted twice to yesterday’s challenge, and the second post was a photo documenting the first two photos posted here today. However, the “after” photos in yesterday’s post (the middle ones above) were taken just over a year ago, shortly before I had surgery to remove the excess skin around my midsection that came with losing half of my body weight. I haven’t updated my “Then/Now” photo since that surgery. That’s the part of my body’s story that I want to tell for today’s challenge.
A year ago, at the time that middle photo above was taken, I had lost so much weight. So much body fat. I’d been in a caloric deficit for 3 years. Never starving myself – just always in deficit. And consistently training – be it with weights, or for races up to and including a half-marathon – for the entirety of that time in deficit. So I was in pretty much my leanest physical shape ever. And that left an amount of skin around my midsection that was very uncomfortable, and limiting. There was so much skin hanging off the front of my body that for every single workout I did, I had to wear Spanx that covered from just below my bra to my midthigh. I needed that much compression in order to be able to workout. Every time. I wish there’d been a way for me to get rid of that skin through nutrition and exercise, because that’s how I’d lost the weight. But there wasn’t. So I had the skin removal surgery.
I shot a video of all the extra skin the night before my surgery, and went into detail on my thoughts on my body’s changes, and my decision to have surgery. I also talked about how I loved my body right at that moment – extra skin and stretch marks and all. Here's the link to that video, if anyone would like to see it.
The program I chose to do that was actually Neghar's amazing kettlebell program, "Lean & Lovely" and it was fantastic. Within a couple of months, #LnL had me back to that level of pre-surgery leanness. And yet I didn’t update the “Then/Now” photo at that time either. I remember thinking that I wanted to be “just a little bit better”. So silly.
After that, I decided to try a bulking program, and I had difficulty adjusting to caloric surplus. In hindsight, I should have spent more time at a maintenance level, and learned what that felt like. I’d spent so long in deficit, and had gotten so good at it, and a gradual approach would have been smarter. But I was hot in pursuit of the next challenge. I love my go-get-it-ness; I am a woman of action. In this particular case, my enthusiasm meant that I put on some bodyfat with the muscle. I’m not upset about that – it’s just this part of my body’s story. I’ll lean out again if and when that’s what I decide to pursue.
And that’s where I am now in the story, and I decided that my Then/Now photo should reflect that – and so I took the photos on the right above. Yes, I have a softness to my body right now. And I also have great posture, and visible musculature and a sweet, sweet booty. :) ***Please*** notice that I said "AND", not "BUT". I'm not quantifying good parts and bad parts because they're ALL good parts. There is no part of me that is bad. I was very, very sad for a very, very long time when I catalogued good and bad parts. I have no "bad" parts. I'm a rockstar. I'm a motherfucking superhero.
Even before my surgery, I already was so happy and in love with what my body can do, so none of that cataloging of parts and pieces has seemed important anymore. I want to spend my time and energy on other things. I want to keep being able to do with this amazing body whatever it is that I feel moved to pursue. I will always have stretch marks. And now I will always have scars. And I give exactly zero fucks about either. Truly. To clarify, I’m not saying that nothing about my body ever causes me to give fucks. But stretch marks and scars are not among those things. They are my badges of honor. They boldly document my journey from self-hate and unhappiness to self-love, and acceptance, and empowerment, and JOY.
Because that’s what it’s about. I use my body to pursue things that give me joy. That joy sometimes means pursuing feats of strength with determination, sometimes it means pursuing relaxation, and family time, sometimes it means working on personal growth... And lots of other pursuits of joy. During each of those times, I know my body's appearance will reflect each pursuit. Sometimes it will be leaner. Sometimes it will be softer. That fluctuation is barely a footnote in what I want to be the story of my life.
There's so much freedom found in just letting go and enjoying the ride.
#loveyourself #youdeserveit #eatliftandbeHAPPY #becausemuscles #transformation #bikinirebellion
#loveyourself #youdeserveit #eatliftandbeHAPPY #becausemuscles #transformation #bikinirebellion
